How WhatsApp fuelled an outbreak of new gangs
They’re roaming our streets and not to be taken lightly
“Picnic at Sherman’s Point”, 1900. Photograph by Theresa Babb.
There’s a certain public house a short stroll from my apartment in inner-Sydney that is popular with pre-and-post football crowds, with lone rangers who sit at the bar with good books, with cool kids on sultry summer evenings when the windows open wide to the street and dogs are everywhere (and have their own menu; steak tartare is a popular choice). It’s popular with another demographic too: a gang of excellent mid-life women. They’re often there on Friday and Sunday nights, sometimes other nights too. They drink white wine and sparkling wine and rosé, sometimes margaritas, they talk about their kids and their work, about their men (or absence thereof), about men generally, about mid-life dating, about sex (or lack thereof), about life, about first-world frustrations and about the issues that so many women at this age face ( … relationships … ageing parents … family dramas … ageing bodies … existential uncertainty … unthinkable deaths of people they love). But mostly, they talk about nothing in particular and everything in general and share big laughter.
I know about this gang because I’m occasionally a part of it, gratefully, delightedly.
I hang around the edges of other fierce female gangs roaming my local streets too: a gang of singers, a gang of ocean swimmers, a gang of community gardeners. Sometimes, in this tight, Venn-diagram-like neighbourhood, there are intersections between the groups.
And what has become apparent to me over the past few years is just how significant WhatsApp has been in fomenting and coordinating this gang activity. The excellent pub women schedule their activities via the messaging app. But they’re not the only ones to do so.
For years after I first moved into this neighbourhood nearly 15 years ago, every Monday night, the sound of women singing wafted over my back fence and I wondered, with a little envy, what it was, where it was coming from, who they might be. Then, through the local yoga studio I go to (too occasionally), I met one of the singers and was invited to jump (metaphorically) over the back fence – to join an a cappella group (I can’t sing, singing ability is not a prerequisite!). I was added to the songbirds’ WhatsApp group and, over time, one notification ping after another, I have come to see how the app has driven engagement and connection. (I am, as with yoga, a too-occasional participant.)
As the year goes on, the (invitation-only) a cappella (ACA) group starts to get more serious about its singing and rehearsals – it performs a small, choreographed, local end-of-year concert for friends and family (last year, Jingle Bell Rock, Thank You for the Music, Fat Bottomed Girls) – but in many ways, singing and music are secondary to its function as a support network, a tight community unto itself. “I think this is a very special group with an unspoken and unwritten attitude of being awesome to each other,” says the fabulous Krystll (her ACA name), who has hosted the group at her home for years. Adds Alina: “I always leave on a Monday night with my bucket refilled.”
The group has sub-groups, sub-events: someone launched an ACA “Social Sirens” WhatsApp group a while back and it’s now the place for social-activity planning (there are weekends away, meals, drinks) as well as chat – “birthdays, celebrations, good and bad times, all are recorded here,” Helen tells me (via the “Social Sirens” feed of course!). Last year, I suggested that the group should go to pub choir; a bunch of us went together and, ever since, when tickets go on sale, there has been a flurry of organisation on “Social Sirens” to see how many tickets need to be procured. Recently, Jo, a madly clever cryptic crossword brain, sent word out via “Social Sirens” that she would host a Sunday lunch and cryptic crossword masterclass at her place; entry by cryptic crossword answer. Jo’s question: “Wrench sounds knock out pocket bread for forgotten pastry.” Answer: “Spanakopita.” I didn’t have the brain nor the inner-circle knowledge to solve it although Jo was kind enough to admit me to lunch anyway … (Someone apparently forgot to take the spanakopita to a weekend away!)
ACA member Annette believes that one reason WhatsApp has been so valuable for the group is because it’s a more neutral platform for people, especially for those who don’t like social media. “So you are more likely to get a larger group happy to use it. I am sure that meetups etc likely would get arranged via whatever channel available but WhatsApp definitely fosters more of the instant advice stuff or some last-minute opportunity to catch up or share a funny experience or ask for help.” Annette contributed to the ACA pandemic lockdown endeavour, using her tech skills to find and decipher an app to allow the singers to record their parts separately in their own homes. A former ACA teacher, Siobhan, brought the recordings together. (New ACA teacher, Maria, is adored.) I have the sense that lockdowns only strengthened the group’s ties.
“To be honest I’m a crappy singer (at least act surprised 🤣) but I love this group of women so much I’d do anything to hang with them,” Melinda tells me/us on the “Social Sirens” thread. “The love, joy laughter and sense of community it brings is so powerful. I feel very lucky to be a part of it.” Melinda, who has young children, is also a member of other groups that use WhatsApp to coordinate connection, including a walking group and a “pensioners” tequila group. “We decided that 4pm catch-ups, happy-hour drinks and early-bird dinners were far better than late nights,” she says.
My WhatsApp feed is at an introverted minimum (ACA, my trivia group, my community garden, one-off friendship group events and individual chats with buddies overseas) but I tremble at the extroverted volume I learn arrives in some of the women’s phones. Véronique for example is a member of around 10 different WhatsApp groups for women including a book club, two ocean swimming groups, three different trekking groups, a historical mother’s group, an old work colleagues’ group and a friendship group. “Women supporting women is the only way to survive in this crazy world and to feel positive about ageing,” Véronique says.
As I write this, the “Social Sirens” feed fires through the day with comments:
“Women’s friendship groups are pretty amazing things,” says Helen.
Adds Darcie: “That’s so evident when I look at my 84-year-old mother in rural Queensland, completely supported by her multiple female groups.” Her comment makes me think of a woman who called into ABC Radio National’s Life Matters program this morning as I made my second coffee. The 70+-year-old woman had moved towns to support her elderly mother who had since died. Now, with her own mobility issues, the woman has few connections. Despite a vibrant personality and lively intelligence, she is on her own, floundering and lonely.
It occurs to me that government and/or not-for-profit agencies could somehow systematically roll out WhatsApp or something similar as a tool to connect like-minded elderly or marginalised people, to build new communities of support. (Then I think of my own 87-year-old mother’s struggles with her phone, technology, my on-call-from-a-distance help-desk role … maybe not!)
And blokes? What about the blokes? “Where are all the men?” a friend of mine said the other day, describing how she’d been out with the excellent pub women then moved to a friend’s place for drinks and then headed to someone’s birthday party, and it was all women out, a couple of stray husbands huddled nervously together in a corner.
The ACA women’s blokes engage to a far lesser degree with their friends than their womenfolk do with theirs; the male connection seems to be mainly through sport or pubs, one through poker, another through trivia, one through music. “I bug him all the time about it,” one of the women says of her partner’s social ennui.
Annie found a solution to her husband’s reticence. She describes how, four years ago, she decided she had to step in to help him get fitter. “Men at this age, they kind of end up just hanging around. I needed to give him a kickstart. For his birthday I found a local fitness instructor and secretly contacted a few of his mates. I asked them if they’d be part of a park fitness group with him. ‘Hell yeah!’, they said.” In the years since, the group has grown to include 10 men, her husband’s physical and mental health has improved and each man has taken her aside and thanked her for the initiative. “They all go and have coffee together and solve the problems of the world. They talk about how they feel, their families.” They take their dogs. They called their WhatsApp group “S&M” (Strength and Muscles), then “Sally Up”, and now “53 Workouts”.
I haven’t yet been invited to join the excellent pub women’s WhatsApp group but that’s OK because one of the women messaged me today via old-fashioned text message to find out when I might be around for a meet-up. Soon, tomorrow, Sunday, I replied! I didn’t tell her that I owe her a drink, that I pinched some rocket for a salad from her front garden as I walked past on the way home from the gym this morning.
Gangs, community, they’re everything.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WHATSAPP GANGS: I’d love to include a selection of your notes/thoughts on this subject here next week. Drop me an email or leave a comment below. (A story for the future: how not to go mad with all the WhatsApp notification pings!)
🎵Mood
On repeat in my ears: the lovely Long Dark Night from Nick Cave’s new album, Wild God. For serious Nick Cave fans:
Cave on ABC Australian Story with Leigh Sales this week.
Cave on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
And Cave writing about the album on his own site, “The Red Hand Files”; it is, he says, “a record full of secrets. It is made up of a series of complex and interlinking narratives, the title song Wild God being the primary point of propulsion, with the songs all feeding off each other – not so much to tell a story, but to rally round an acutely vulnerable and mysterious ‘event’ that resides at the heart of the album’s central song, Conversion.”
Wild thing
It’s going to be a long 80 days for watchers of American politics. I promise, Randy Rainbow will make those days more bearable.
Beautiful things
Juxtapositions … If you like this – a woman making lace in Bruge, Belgium … (I really urge you to click through to watch the video … the process is extraordinary, unimaginable!) …
You might also like this …
Cast in Cast out at the Museum of Sydney, Kamilaroi/Gamilaraay artist Dennis Golding’s “experiences and childhood memories of growing up in ‘The Block’, an Aboriginal community in the inner Sydney suburb of Redfern. The artwork ‘recasts’ Victorian-era ironwork panels [aka “lacework”] – a distinctive feature of many 19th-century houses in Redfern – as contemporary expressions of power and ownership.” Until November 17.
Reading
Lots of chatter this week about Hollywood star Blake Lively and her buzzed-about new movie, It Ends With Us (in Australian cinemas now), which depicts a relationship characterised by incidents of domestic violence. Vanity Fair, apparently generously, describes the film as “a tearjerker that indulges in its red-meat drama, but then gives it the grace of shading and complexity – and rare humanity”. Disagreeing, New York magazine’s Vulture culture section review says: “This is essentially just a Hallmark/Lifetime/Netflix movie with a lot more gloss and only slightly more grit, a pricier wardrobe budget, and a few lens-flare-inundated sex scenes.” But as this article outlines, focus has swung from the film itself to Lively’s derided, post-release promotional performances. “… Lively has stayed busy promoting her hair care line, Blake Brown, answering questions about her makeup and style without addressing or raising awareness about domestic violence, fuelling outrage for her ‘tone-deaf’ approach in marketing the movie.” (Oh, plus, apparently Lively is feuding with co-star and director Justin Baldoni.🤷♀️)
On Instagram Threads, a post, then more than 3000, mostly brilliant comments. The post? … From a mother who happened to be nearby when a man told her 13-year-old daughter to “smile”. “It did not go well for him after that,” the woman reports.
This, given the particular age I find myself at, is particularly unpleasant news to receive. “The study, which tracked thousands of different molecules in people aged 25 to 75, detected two major waves of age-related changes at around ages 44 and again at 60. The findings could explain why spikes in certain health issues including musculoskeletal problems and cardiovascular disease occur at certain ages.” Via The Guardian.
More of this please 1: ABC weather presenter Nate Byrne experienced a panic attack on live breakfast television this week. His co-presenters had his back, he took a moment, he came back, he owned it, and Australians are just that little more wise and compassionate about a common mental health issue. From a column in MamaMia (quoting a TikTok user): “This is the greatest, seamless, grown-up media handling of simple mental health realities I’ve ever seen.” Plus: Byrne explains to BBC what happened. What a doll!
More of this please 2: The brilliant Substack, Letters of Note, shares a most gorgeous letter written by the 19th century poet Sidney Lanier to his young son Charley introducing his new baby brother. “As I have said, he is a most exemplary young man. He never stays out late at night; neither chews, smokes, nor uses snuff; abstains from all intoxicating liquors, and does not touch even tea or coffee … I am bound to admit that he has his shortcomings: he isn’t as particular about his clothes as I would like to see him; he has a way of trying to get both fists in his mouth which certainly does look odd in company; and he wants his breakfast in the morning at four o’clock—an hour at which it is very inconvenient, with our household arrangements, to furnish it to him.”
More of this please 3: Body confidence tips from those who have it. “You’ll soon realise there is no such thing as the perfect body – everyone has lumps and bumps. Being with other naked people makes you realise that it really doesn’t matter.” (Says the naturist.)
Food
Fiddling with Japanese-ish flavours after a hunting and gathering expedition across the Sydney Harbour Bridge to Tokyo Mart (the north shore😱Sydneysiders will understand that journey). My soba noodle dish last night was a bit of a bastardisation … frozen peas not very Japanese but, greens (including a little kale from my garden and wakame). Proper broth though: kombu, bonito flakes etc. Was good. (I used elements of this dish – the braising liquid – to blanch greens and cook my prawns … I’ve started to keep peeled and frozen green prawns in my freezer … a game changer, but, sustainability … at the supermarket freezer I didn’t study the packet as closely as I should have, will have to next time … here’s why). How I’d like to apprentice to a Japanese chef. In the absence of that possibility though, this is what I read.
If only I wasn’t on a screaming hellscape deadline for another project all weekend, I’d be baking. I’d be baking this, Flour and Stone’s lemon dream cake.
These eggs though … I might have time to make them, for a super-fast meal between paragraphs, throw some garlicky blanched greens alongside.
Next week: how I put together a pretty good three-course Sunday lunch for five people in three hours, shopping and all.
Travel
PARIS: Travel without travelling via this lovely photo essay in Prior World, “The Taste of Paris”. Stroll from Café De Flore to Raspail Market and onwards.
Home and garden
I could make myself very comfortable in this 18th-century Huguenot weavers’ house in Spitalfields. (Via UK House & Garden; story here)
Cottage, love, Normandy, La Roquerie, via Instagram.
Oh this garden, these ducks.🦆💕How Lola would love them.
Wowsers, a bit busy … but it has its moments (via Instagram).
Socials
(via Instagram Threads; more about Noli Rictor and his extraordinary art here)
(via Bluesky; meanwhile, in Melbourne, on now, an exhibition of more than 150 Banksy works – “The Art of Banksy: Without Limits”)
(via Substack notes; Sam Baker produces a fabulous podcast, The Shift “that aims to tell the truth about being a woman post-40”.)
(via Instagram Threads; more on this story here … “ ‘This horrific incident has once again reminded us that women disproportionately bear the weight of ensuring their own safety,’ Bollywood actor Alia Bhatt said in a post on her Instagram page, which has more than 85 million followers.”)
Stolen words
“Beauty is the convenient and traditional name of something which art and nature share, and which gives a fairly clear sense to the idea of quality of experience and change of consciousness. I am looking out of my window in an anxious and resentful state of mind, oblivious of my surroundings, brooding perhaps on some damage done to my prestige. Then suddenly I observe a hovering kestrel. In a moment everything is altered. The brooding self with its hurt vanity has disappeared. There is nothing now but kestrel. And when I return to thinking of the other matter it seems less important. And of course this is something which we may also do deliberately: give attention to nature in order to clear our minds of selfish care.”–Irish and British novelist Dame Iris Murdoch (via Marginalian)
When I moved to the Netherlands from Sydney two years ago, I was astonished by the prevalence of WhatsApp here. I honestly think it would be hard to function in this country without it. I am in WhatsApp groups for family and various permutations of family; for the street block where we live, where discussions range from local council issues, social events, does-anyone-have-a-shovel-I-could-borrow, and informal neighbourhood watch; for my Dutch classes; and use it to communicate with all my friends and family here, along with businesses, shops and tradies. The verb "to app" is part of the vernacular--"Ik zal je appen" ("I will app you") means I'll send you a message on WhatsApp.
I suspect that one of the reasons it's so embraced here is that EU privacy laws are so strict that people are less reticent to hand out their mobile numbers. It's just safer. Any person or business found breaching the rules, passing on a phone number without permission, or selling it to spammers, would suffer the merciless wrath of the bureaucracy. Plus, of course, there is the encryption, something that the Dutch, who guard their privacy, very much value.
And, of course, it's a joy to use when travelling and to keep in touch with friends in Australia!
What a great, newsy newsletter this week. Thank you, Stephanie.
The a capella group sounds a tonic. The community choir I'm in has WhatsApp groups for each voice part, then adds extra groups for any event taking place. Nothing has changed about the choir's organisation, but the WhatsApp groups have definitely improved the comms and the sense of camaraderie.
It's funny, very useful, but also very "noisy". I don't enable pings on my phone. Silent only. I can't mute the chat entirely, no matter how busy it gets, as I'm an admin!