Essential women’s business
In which we converse on important subjects – holey T-shirts, crepey skin, perishing brassières, downstairs grooming and whether white sneakers are passé, or not.
My good friend Kate contacted me after last week’s newsletter landed in her inbox. “You will have hit a nerve on the topic of middle-aged clothes shopping,” she wrote. “Our bodies are not what they used to be and when you spy something on a rack that looks just right, it turns out to have a ridiculous cut-out or no back or massive gaps between the buttons.”
Kate picked it: the fashion/beauty questions I posed last week (starting with – “how many holes can a T-shirt have before it should be sent for recycling?”) were largely intended to be rhetorical but drew quite a response. I am, it seems, not alone in my difficulties. (When will the struggling fashion industry work out that there might be a large market that they’re ignoring?)
“That list of questions was ingenious – it’s like you’d been poking around in my appearance-obsessed brain,” another reader, Susan, said. “I’ve pondered almost every single one of those questions – except maybe the big bra quandary.” (There was, it must be said, quite some difference in bra size among correspondents … few of you seem to have my issues!) Yet another reader, Helen, wrote from vacation in Paris: “I cannot find any clothes suitable here! All the shops I used to love no longer cater for my age. I can’t stop thinking about it and how ageing crept up on me. I love to look cool(ish) but am losing the plot!”
So many of you came back with excellent/hilarious/useful answers to my questions (thank you!) that I think The Most Important Post I’ll Ever Write Part 2: The Crowd-Sourced Edition is warranted…
How many holes can a T-shirt have before it should be sent for recycling?
Alison: I got into mending during the pandemic … adding patches with a running stitch. It’s quite soothing and satisfying and can be done in front of the telly. When there is no saving the T-shirt, I cut it up and use it for cleaning.
Brooke (a 40-something professional with “the fashion sense and body shape of a 12-year-old boy” who is a firm fan of blue jeans, white sneakers and a navy V-neck jumper): Many, many before reincarnation as a gardening T-shirt.
Lee: Keep wearing those holey T- shirts and say you are saving the Planet.
Wendy: Owner of many holey garments here! I had one pair of leggings, now finally binned, that, whenever I wore them, my partner would say, “Five keys”. (An in joke which you might get if you remember Harvey Keitel and Holly Hunter in The Piano.)
Louisa: Befriend the holes, sisters! They are like wrinkles; we earn them by living. And from cats.
Robin: Between four and 10 (depending on where the holes are).
Will there ever be a moisturiser invented to make crepey dry hands less crepey and dry?
Alison: I’ve heard hot wax hand treatments are good.
Brooke: Food-grade coconut oil.
Trudi: Body Shop hemp Rescuing Hand Protector (Baume Mains Renfort Protecteur) hand cream is the business, recommended to me by a ceramicist and gardener-endorsed.
Lee: Sorbolene+10% glycerin is excellent for dried skin, even on the face, but dilute it a bit. It cleared up my crepey, peeling elbows and itchy skin.
Nicole: I have one bottle of jojoba oil – great for dry skin and feels lovely – and one rosehip oil – good for healing.
Are serums a skincare essential or an insidious emblem of predatory capitalism?
Alison: Whatever you are doing already, keep doing. Your complexion is dazzling. (Note: thanks, but, um, I don’t think so and nor did the dermatologist last week who took to me and my complexion with a blowtorch.)
Kate: It’s a “no” to serums. I was sucked into the hype recently and think it was a waste of $ compared to moisturiser only (which I buy from the supermarket ever since reading The Beauty Myth all those years ago).
Naomi: Yes, serums are good but only if they are caffeine or vitamin C. The Ordinary is rated by Choice and is seriously no bullshit.
How many years after a bra’s elastic perishes can it still be worn?
Alison: Zero.
Kate: Do try to find a bra fitter to work out your size and style – and then if you want more of the same at a much better price, head to Target. My favourite undies come from there and they have an enormous range. I once met someone who was a designer for Berlei and they said Target was actually their biggest customer.
Brooke: None – look after your boobs and your boobs will look after you.
Naomi: Bras only stay good for a year, if that. Get one sports bra and one dressy bra, both from a qualified fitter. Every other day, wear Boody bra tanks.
Nicole: The Very Good Bra is B Corp certified and Australian (“the only brand in the world making 100% plastic-free bras in 28 proper bra sizes”).
Tracy (an actual real-life Bendon bra saleswoman, an expert in our midst!): Bras should be replaced every six to 12 months depending how often you wear the one. We have 14-20 A-G cup and many are stylish and far removed from matronly styles! (Mostly black white and nude but also some pink, green and slate.) Plenty of bra fitters here!
Is it atrocious to swim without having groomed, um, lower zones?
Alison: Eastern suburbs of Sydney, yes. Anywhere else no.
Kate: I bought a course of laser hair removal years ago and after four treatments was done.
Brooke: Er, this is why board shorts exist.
Lee: Downstairs grooming – there’s not much point in looking prepubescent when you’ve hit middle age. A case of males dictating to females how they should look – again? Besides, no one cares; I’m in pool change rooms every day and people keep their glances to themselves.
Naomi: Downstairs grooming is much easier post-menopause because there’s not much left, so let those babies fly free. They are survivors!
Is it OK to walk a dog seven days in a row wearing the same old sweater, pilled to buggery?
Alison: No!!!!! Buy a lint shaver from Lincraft (I have Alison – just now!). Personal obsession. And get loads of batteries because once you start it’s nigh on impossible to stop! It is not an exaggeration to say old jumpers look new. Even my kids use ours on their school jumpers.
Brooke: Yes, your dog loves it and the walk is all about them.
Robin: Yes, pilled sweaters are OK, priorities – Gaza etc. Unless you feel inspired to break out the cashmere (no chance of that Robin, um, what cashmere!) and then of course a dog with muddy paws will jump on you … Murphy’s Law.
Are leggings with big shirts and sweaters still a legitimate fashion choice and if not, were they ever?
Alison: Nope!!!!!
Brooke: Yes, watching ’80s movies legitimises this nicely.
Robin: No, and not for a long time, nor jorts, nor jeggings. Buy some linen trousers or a lovely skirt.
Like, just how much should one pay for an eyebrow tint and shape?
Kate: I pay $68 for a brow shape and tint.
Brooke: $80 or they’re having you on.
Wrap dresses, yes or no?
Alison: Yes, forever.
Brooke: Wrap presents, not people.
Audrey: No, unless they are by Leina & Fleur who cut dresses for those of us who are curvy.
Naomi: Yes to wrap dresses. Just make sure there’s enough in the wrap to cover the bosom well.
What sports bra best stops, um, wobbles (and would it take one from gym to gondola?).
Alison: The last time I went to a gym I was 21; sports bras weren’t invented then.
Fiona: Lululemon make the best – worth the $.
Toenails – what colour is en pointe?
Alison: Checking mine – red and very chipped.
Brooke: Skin tone.
Naomi: Your toenails should be red, but they can also be metallic blues, metallic purples or metallic greens or clear sparkles. Never do mattes or opaques or block colours (unless red). Whites, yellows and oranges are pox. And figure out the tones in your red. With your fair hair, you want an orange-toned red. Stay away from brown-toned reds. Darker skins rock blue-toned reds.
Are white sneakers passé?
Kate: I say “yes” to white sneakers.
Brooke: Never passé, just a bit grubby…
Naomi: White sneakers have never been OK.
Robin: Probably but were they ever good? On me they look like big powder puffs. I vote for Mary-Janes, yay for Mary-Janes.
Eyelash growth serum, an investment in the future or pissing money away?
Alison: Pissing money away. Instead apply the harvest from that lower region grooming. Win-win.
Brooke: What is the ROI on your lashes?
Does anyone pay attention to a middle-aged woman anyway?
Alison: Other middle-aged women do and our middle-aged lives matter! 😃
Brooke: Only their despairing fashion-forward sisters/mothers/aunts: “… you can’t wear that again”. “Watch me.”
Does anyone iron anymore?
Alison: Recently taken it back up. The sound of the steam whoofing and choofing is delightful…
Brooke: Never do, never did, if it won’t dry on a rack crease-free, I don’t buy it. If it has to be dry cleaned, I don’t buy it.
Fiona: I have a boring work wardrobe of interchangeable tops and pants and two pairs of shoes not fancy and all machine-washable with not an iron in sight.
Lee: The iron was invented in 1882, by a man, Henry Seely White. I’m sure it was to keep females at home doing even more housework.
Undies: Which is more important – allure or all-over comfort and would Bonds Cottontails ever be a sartorial choice?
Alison: Once my arse assumed a certain age-related cube-like shape, definitely all-over comfort. But Bonds Cottontails is akin to giving up on life. No. Not ever.
Brooke: How is this even a question – men don’t notice undies until they are off on the floor.
Naomi: Comfy bum means happy life.
Becci: It’s OK to wear your comfy big nanna undies when there is no possibility of anyone seeing you half naked, but the best bra and undies to make you feel special are Intimo (plus really lovely lie around the house wear).
Is it OK to walk to the supermarket 200 metres away in pyjama bottoms and Ugg boots?
Alison: Nope!!!!!!!!!!! Unless you are high. Or 10 years old. Or both.
Brooke: Always – who are you dressing up for, the retail duopoly?
Would a beauty product called “Drunk Elephant D-Bronzi Anti-Pollution Sunshine Drops” (with cocoa extract and platinum peptides) ever be worth spending money on and should one pursue plumping and smoothing?
Alison: Holy fuck. No.
Susan: I was sucked in by the D-Bronzi hype, bought the outrageously priced stuff ($60!) and returned it after one application because it made my face look muddy.
Trudi: I’ve been lucky to work outdoors in nature most of my career and, according to my last skin check, have managed to look after my face. I’m weathered and more and more invisible, but not to those who know me. Also, there’s something else: I went on a trip to PNG when I was younger and didn’t see myself in a mirror for two weeks. When I did, I saw something: the glow of blood pumping, dishevelled, happy, rewarded.
And, should I go shopping tomorrow?
Alison: Yes. The Jac and Jack outlet store in Sydney is a personal favourite. Style+bargains.
Kate: I know Sportscraft has a conservative-older-woman vibe but it has a good range, lots of different cuts, decent fabrics and generally helpful middle-aged staff. David Lawrence and Trenery are in this category, so maybe the mid-range section of DJs or Myer is the place to start. Meanwhile, my favourite linen pants are from Seed; they have a beautiful pale blue and sage green lining. Re dresses: Sacha Drake does dressier frocks and some wrap dresses that are actually good.
Brooke: Only if it is with Kim Crowley of Style Sense. She’s amazing, down-to-earth, sets you up in Myer and brings all the basics and a few bits you’d never have thought of. I am still a hopeless case but at least I have photos from our sessions to remind me what goes with what.
Thanks my friends! (And with apologies about the Australian retailers to those of you who are not in Australia.)
And look, no, I didn’t go shopping this week. I was busy, I procrastinated, I ran out of time, I was feeling everything reader Nicole was feeling when she commented on last week’s post: “If you ever decide to not go shopping, I’m in! I’ll be there before you can say, ‘pathological dislike for shopping’. I swing between cursing myself for wearing holey, falling-apart clothes and celebrating how long I can keep wearing them and thus, avoid shopping.”
Instead, in shopping’s place this week, I had a quick pedicure – nude pink tone. How much easier than shopping is a pedicure! (Yes, yes, I’ll try and motivate myself to go proper shopping soon(ish) rather than just toenail-colour-shopping.)
In the meantime, please ponder another question: protein powder, yes or no and if yes, what variety? (For breakfast smoothies.) All answers and thoughts gratefully received.
Image above: From what is described as the world’s first fashion magazine, Cabinet des Modes ou les Modes Nouvelles, first published on November 25, 1785. (Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette still had a few more frolicking years ahead of them.) Each eight-page edition contained three hand-coloured engravings. After a year in print, the magazine changed its name to Magasin des Modes Nouvelles Françaises et Anglaises. Not surprisingly, publication ceased abruptly in 1789. (In the public domain, via the Look and Learn History Picture Archive.)
Housekeeping
I’m heading off for a week’s break tomorrow … I’ll be collapsing as far away from a laptop as it’s possible to be. (Although, I always say that and it never actually happens; I’ll probably end up doing my tax or some such 🤷 … don’t ever let it be said that I don’t know how to relax 😩) Vamp will return in a fortnight (October 4/5).
In the meantime, I’ll still be delighted to hear your thoughts on good routines and habits (see newsletter from a couple of weeks ago on how they evade me!) … I will get round to compiling all the ideas I’ve had from you so far in due course!
🎵Mood
A “luminous” song, says The New York Times. I plan to spend some time with Joan Shelley’s earlier album, The Spur, next week. Of Shelley, NPR writes: “Across several albums, the Kentucky singer-songwriter has set her dusky, softly lived-in voice against spare acoustic arrangements.”
Wild thing
If you adored Schitt’s Creek, you’ll love this. If you adore Dan Levy, you’ll love this (God I adore him, I’d turn for him … oh, hang on, that won’t work, will it?). If you adored Gus Fring in Breaking Bad, and adore Kathy Bates, you’ll love this. If you adored the British black comedy Baby Reindeer, you’ll love this. Yes, there is controversy around Baby Reindeer, I understand, but let’s celebrate the brilliant Jessica Gunning who starred as the troubled stalker Martha in the series and won Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series at the Emmy Awards on Sunday. “Oh my goodness me, blinking heckers,” she said, starting her acceptance speech. Meanwhile, Shōgun, which I hope to start watching next week when I’m on my break, had a “giant haul” at the awards. “Shōgun walked away with 18 trophies, breaking the all-time record for Emmys won for a single season of television. It won so many awards that it would be exhausting to list them here,” says The Guardian. “… the monopoly meant that a number of other worthy contenders were shut out.” I read James Clavell’s Shōgun when I was 15. Was transfixed. Hope to be similarly so when I watch the series.
Reading
PROFILE: In last week’s Good Weekend magazine (published with The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age), a brilliant profile of the ravishing Gina Chick (the winner of the first season of the brilliant Alone Australia). It’s worth taking out a subscription just for this article. “Gina Chick was the strangeling from Jervis Bay on the South Coast of NSW, who would sing to the whales, capture and befriend the blue-ringed octopus, walk with her family’s three pet ducks down to the beach, rescue the birds – rosellas, magpies, finches, honeyeaters – talk to them all, tend their bruised wings, stroke their tummies, feed them from her lips by spitting the chewed-up seed down their gullets.”
UNIVERSITY SECRETS: In Cambridge Ladies’ Dining Society, a most excellent Substack, the story of a university secret – how the university locked up women in the 19th century. “According to a special charter signed by Queen Elizabeth in 1561, any Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge University had substantial powers over the town to guard his male students from what were considered as immoral temptations.”
BOOKS: In The Guardian, a review of Elizabeth Strout’s new book, Tell Me Everything … “[a] taciturn but deeply felt and profoundly intelligent novel”. And, in other book news, Australian author Charlotte Wood has been shortlisted for the Booker Prize 2024 for her novel Stone Yard Devotional. “I would never have expected this in my whole career. It’s just a wonderful bolt from the blue,” she told The Sydney Morning Herald.
MENOPAUSE: In the US, some good – the Menopause Society launches an initiative to help employers support women going through menopause. Says The New York Times: “It includes tips for managers to talk about menopause at work and policies employers can consider, like ensuring that the health care plans they offer cover treatment options for menopause symptoms. The program, called Making Menopause Work, also provides suggestions for making it easier for menopausal employees to get through the workday, like flexible bathroom breaks for those dealing with unpredictable or heavy bleeding, and improving ventilation and using uniforms made with breathable fabrics so that hot flashes are less uncomfortable.”
JOY: If I do nothing else this week other than point you in the direction of this, my work here will be done. Nick Cave asked readers of his newsletter/blog, The Red Hand Files, to tell him where or how they find joy. The response has been overwhelming – he has, he says, received more than 2000 responses from all over the world. I’ve barely started to read them but this one, from Henrike in German, struck me – “In German there is the phrase ‘So viel Zeit muss sein’, meaning ‘There has to be time for this’. A friend of mine says it regularly so I keep it at heart. When there’s a good song on the radio, stop everything else and listen. When the sun comes out between the clouds, stand still and enjoy the warmth. When you’re in a hurry and you accidently meet a friend on the street, have a quick chat. So viel Zeit muss sein.”
Listening
Podcasts in my ear this week: Adored David Sedaris reading George Saunders’ wonderful 2020 short story, “Love Letter” on The New Yorker’s Fiction Podcast. Plus: My old colleague and friend Dugald Jellie on ABC Conversations in an episode titled “the Power of the Extra Dad”. Dugald is a rare, special man. Oh that there were more Dugalds in the world.
Vegetables
(Image via David Lebovitz’s newsletter)
CAPONATA: For the first time in years this week I made caponata … that sweet, sour, salty Sicilian vegetable relish/salad of eggplant, capers, olives, celery, anchovies, zucchini (although there seem to be endless additions and omissions depending on the recipe) seasoned with vinegar and sugar. I’d forgotten how good it is. I followed, loosely, Paris-based American chef David Lebovitz’s recipe which was great (includes lots of advice to create a superior caponata). A super dish.
ASPARAGUS: Keen to try Jill Dupleix’s asparagus with pan-fried feta, lemon, honey and walnuts – “asparagus saganaki” as she describes it. A friend tested it out last night and texted to say – “That recipe is a winner but a whole bunch of asparagus is required per person!”
KALE: Finding ways to like it. This might work. A salad with cabbage, green onions, coriander and peanuts.
Home, garden, design
DECORATIVE VIGNETTES: An artist friend pointed me towards this wondrous Instagram account … a book historian’s post on “Henri Gillet’s Decorative Medallions in French Taste, an English translation of his work Vignettes Décoratives dans le goût du jour.” The designs, the colour … fabulous!
BEACH HOUSE+TREES: Design Files visits a Balnarring (Mornington Peninsula) beach house, apparently sustainably designed. “… they opted for a singular approach the materials, using a sustainably sourced, local hardwood for most of the property. The naturally weathered silvertop ash timber on the exterior ensured the building’s clean lines could ‘quickly’ blend into its established surroundings as if it had been there for years. A combination of influences from Brutalist architecture and ‘regional modernism’ help the resulting property feel both contemporary and timeless.”
WEED FERTILISER: “Stinks to high heaven, but I promise it’s worth it.” Nettles, apparently, are the best possible addition.
NATIVE GARDENS: In The Sydney Morning Herald (and The Age), gardening writer Megan Backhouse previews the Australian Native Plants Society biennial conference (in Melbourne later this month) and considers first steps for new gardeners interested in creating gardens to appeal to birds, beneficial insects and people … observe what is growing well nearby at other gardens, consult your council website for information about the indigenous plants and wildlife in your area, and visiting local nurseries with good stocks of native plants.
Art
AUCTION: At Leonard Joel in Melbourne on Monday (September 23), works by Australian women artists who might not have received the recognition they deserved in their lifetime (or even now). Above, lot 48, “Le Portail St Maclou Rouen” (1927) by Jessie Traill, etching with watercolour highlights (Estimate AUD$2,000-$3,000). The auction includes work by the wonderful artists, landscape painter Clarice Beckett and ceramic artist Gwyn Hanssen Pigott (lots 11 and 37).
VERMEER: *Interesting* post on the Art Every Day Substack (written by George Bothamley) which I linked to last week. Most of us probably have seen versions of this painting, “The Milkmaid” by Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer (1632-1675), a little canvas, 46x41cm. This post sheds makes me think about it, although I can’t see my way to agree with Bothamley. He writes: “… we can’t help wondering what this woman may be thinking as she pours the milk so steadily into the earthenware container. Is she remembering something from her past? Is she taking such care over her work because she will soon be serving it to someone she loves? Is she humming a gentle song to herself?” George, I reckon not, it was called “The MilkMAID”, can any of us even begin to imagine what it was to be a servant woman (any woman) in the 17th century? This woman is far more likely to be thinking how exhausted she is, fretting about a sick child, wondering how she’ll fend off her master again as he grabs at her tits, fearing her husband will beat her when she gets home. Frankly, she looks tired and fed up to me.
Socials
(via Instagram Threads; more here)
(via Bluesky Social; more on this dreadful, dreadful story here … many of her 51 accused rapists wore masks)
Stolen words
“So it comes to pass that most people don’t know at all how beautiful the world is and how much splendor is revealed in the smallest things, in some flower, a stone, the bark of a tree, or a birch leaf. Grown-up people, who have business and cares and worry about a lot of trifles, gradually lose their eye entirely for these riches which children, when they are alert, soon notice and love with all their hearts. And yet the finest thing would be if all people would always stay in this relationship like those children, with simple and reverent feelings, and if they would not lose the power to rejoice as deeply in a birch leaf or in the feather of a peacock or the pinion of a hooded crow as in a great mountain range or a splendid palace.”–Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke (via Letters of Note)
