The most important post I’ll ever write ...
Or, how many holes can your clothes have before it’s time to drag yourself out shopping again (when you have a pathological dislike for shopping).
“I dreamed I rode in a gondola in my Maidenform bra” (By Maidenform – Modern Screen magazine, December 1953, in the public domain) … What strange 1950s kink is this!? …
Friends ... I’m crying out for answers to some vital questions!
How many holes can a T-shirt have before it should be sent for recycling?*
Will there ever be a moisturiser invented to make crepey dry hands less crepey and dry?
Are serums a skincare essential or an insidious emblem of predatory capitalism?
How many years after a bra’s elastic perishes can it still be worn?
Is it atrocious to swim without having groomed, um, lower zones?**
Is it OK to walk a dog seven days in a row wearing the same old sweater, pilled to buggery?
Are leggings with big shirts and sweaters still a legitimate fashion choice and if not, were they ever?
Like, just how much should one pay for an eyebrow tint and shape?
And, what the hell is a hybrid tint?
Wrap dresses, yes or no?
What sports bra best stops, um, wobbles (and would it take one from gym to gondola?).
Toenails – what colour is en pointe?
Are white sneakers passé?
Eyelash growth serum, an investment in the future or pissing money away?
Does anyone pay attention to a middle-aged woman anyway?
Where, precisely, does blusher go?
Does anyone iron anymore?
Undies: Which is more important – allure or all-over comfort and would Bonds Cottontails ever be a sartorial choice?
Would a beauty product called “Drunk Elephant D-Bronzi Anti-Pollution Sunshine Drops” (with cocoa extract and platinum peptides) ever be worth spending money on and should one pursue plumping and smoothing?
Is it OK to walk to the supermarket 200 metres away in pyjama bottoms and Ugg boots?
Has there ever been designed a brassière for the larger-busted that doesn’t look like it was invented by the Nursing Mothers’ Association?
What should a person do if they succumbed and coloured their hair after a period of allowing grey to come through but now think their hairdresser is turning their hair yellow and they can’t afford a fancier hairdresser and it seems impossible to let the grey come through without having a pandemic to hide in while it happens?
And, should I go shopping tomorrow?
Yeah, in matters of beauty, fashion, style, my eye left the ball during the pandemic and hasn’t returned to it. And, on the subject of clothes … I do this thing, I look at my wardrobe bursting with things I haven’t worn for 20 or more years (seriously), a substantial volume of which I don’t fit into, and tell myself – “a) I will not throw anything away until I have lost those [insert number] pounds and can try those old things on to see if they might have life/interest left in them yet, and b) I will not go shopping until I have lost those [insert number] pounds. And, you can guess how that worked out for me. And, living largely between home-office-desk and dog park, there’s hardly any inducement to remain fashion forward, directional. (An expression my grandmother used to describe herself when she felt unkempt keeps coming to mind …. “the wreck of the Hesperus”.)
But things can’t go on this way. I’m working up my courage and fortitude for a shopping experience this weekend, or soonish. (Once upon a time, I loved to go shopping … how long ago that seems … even longer ago than this article I wrote for Good Weekend a few years ago about a clothes shopping excursion I took with a fashion stylist.) (Online shopping, meh, I can’t be bothered with all the returns needed.) At the very least I must get some new bras, must brave the department-store-mature-lady-fitter experience, the change-rooms😱. If I don’t collapse with the horror of it all, I’ll try to grab some basics. Or, even, could I do it … A FROCK!?
Scooting quickly around some sites today, a few things grabbed my attention … this frock; these pants (I’ve had pants from this label before and while they don’t show well in the pic, they’re excellent); a pink print dress; a cotton shirt dress or a linen shirt dress; an oversized cotton blue stripe shirt or blue stripe dress; a fun bucket hat; a neat pair of sneakers or these or these … Oh I know, conservative, yes, but 🤷♀️ … trying to steer away from my natural inclination towards the black and/or charcoal and the minimalistic (with chunky avant-garde silver jewellery … I think I left my heart in 1998). Might yet end up back there.
A glance at fashion mag sites leads me to believe that blue is big, linen shirts might be having a moment, capri pants are an essential and you’d be ill-advised not to have a bit of Bohemian lace thrown into the mix somewhere. But really, what would I know? I have no doubt you’d know better. I’d be very grateful for your thoughts – favourite designers, favourite shops, favourite tricks, middle-aged body concealing secrets, top tips and, indeed, answers to any or all of the questions above. Hit me with them!
(*I recently discovered that I don’t need to send torn/worn clothes to landfill – the City of Sydney has a brilliant free pickup recycling service that takes all manner of things, including clothes not fit for an op shop; your local council might too. ** Should you have more questions about lower zone grooming, The Guardian’s “Ask Ugly” columnist Jessica Defino has answers … “From one thirtysomething divorcee getting targeted ads about at-home asshole hair removal to another, let me start by saying I see you. I hear you. I am you.”)
Plus: If you missed last week’s edition of Vamp, I wrote about the sense I have that time is running away from me, about how good routines and habits elude me, about how, if I could develop some, I think they might help me catch time. Thanks to those of you who commented or emailed me – so many interesting thoughts and reflections! I plan to compile them into some lucid form in the not-to-distant future and, in the meantime, will be delighted to hear more from you. My email: sw@stephaniewood.com.au
🎵Mood
Feeling this today.
Wild thing
Did you miss the debate? Here’s an excellent funny five-minute musical recap. Best lines of the night: “I have concepts of a plan.” (Trump on what he’d do with Obamacare); and “In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs, the people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating — they’re eating the pets of the people that live there.” (Trump on immigrants in Ohio.)
Reading
NO CONTACT: In The New Yorker, a powerful story on family estrangement and why so many people are going NC (“no contact”) with their parents. (“We’re told things like ‘blood is thicker than water’ and ‘a family is forever’. So, if you have a happy family, it’s really hard to imagine estrangement.”) And, if this is a subject that interests/affects you, catch up on the 2021 article in The Atlantic on the same subject (“Adult children frequently say the parent is gaslighting them by not acknowledging the harm they caused or are still causing, failing to respect their boundaries, and/or being unwilling to accept the adult child’s requirements for a healthy relationship.”)
CRYPTIC CROSSWORDS: Love this story in The Sydney Morning Herald about Angas Tiernan and his Instagram account – “Minute Cryptic”, in which “he puts a clue on the screen, then explains how it works”. 260K followers and growing. “The most joyous part of my day,” noted one commenter on the account. “I feel like we’re collectively getting better at these. There’s alot less WTF WAS THAT,” says another … Meanwhile, I’m still going “WTF!?”.
MIDLIFE MARRIAGE: Inapplicable to me, but maybe for many of you it will be helpful? The New York Times offers a “Midlife Marriage Tuneup”. Children are “typically launching”, a family therapist notes in the article, adding – “couples are suddenly turning around and looking at each other and thinking: ‘What is this marriage about’, and ‘what is this marriage going to be about?’.” The big questions – “is this relationship worth it?” and “should we get outside help?”.
ART: Wish I had more time to explore this Substack and immerse myself in its posts – “Art Everyday”. Written by George Bothamley, “a writer with a passion for art, philosophy and psychology”, it looks at a different artist every day (“From Renaissance masterpieces, to impressionist landscapes – and from ancient sculptures to abstract paintings.” … Not so much contemporary art as far as I can tell so far.) Recent posts have looked at John Constable, Françoise Gilot and the fabuous Aubrey Beardsley.
Plus: Philadelphia-based writer Monica McLaughlin’s Substack Dearest, “an irreverent but loving investigation into the history and craftsmanship of antique jewellery – tiny objects that often tell us the bigger stories of their age – through pieces cherry-picked from current auctions and dealer websites”. Amazing story in the most recent edition about the Alma-Tadema Armlet… “an armlet commissioned by Victorian painter Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema as a gift for his wife, Laura … designed to wrap four times around the arm – takes the form of a double-headed engraved snake, with each snake head flanked by stylized horses’ heads. The snakes have diamond eyes, while the horse’s eyes are alternately set with turquoise, ruby, sapphire and emerald”.
EXPLAINER: You might be hearing the name “Laura Loomer” a bit in the next couple of months, so who is she? “A fringe pundit” and “social media influencer” who has been seen at Donald Trump’s side in recent days, says the BBC. A far-right activist, according to The Washington Post. Said to have once described herself as a “proud Islamophobe”, some believe she seeded the immigrants-eating-dogs-and-cats idea in Trump’s mind. Says The Guardian: “Loomer flew with Trump on his private plane to Tuesday’s debate in Philadelphia and has been identified as a key promoter of the pets rumour, which has been dismissed as false by authorities in Springfield, Ohio, where the practice was alleged to have been taking place.”
PRIZES: Brilliant news – my fiendishly clever friend Dr Alecia Simmonds has won the Australian History Prize in the NSW Premier’s History Awards 2024 for her extraordinary book, Courting: An intimate history of love and the law which was also shortlisted in the Australian History category of the 2024 Prime Minister’s Literary Awards (Alecia’s wonderful acceptance speech for the NSW awards here – at about the 47.37 minute mark). It is, says the Australian Book Review, “a provocative and compelling history of the ‘texture, language and politics of romance’.” (My story gets a small mention in Courting … Alecia bore witness to my “lacerated feelings”.)
Plus: André Dao is the winner of the $80,000 Prime Minister’s Literary Award for his first novel, Anam. (Of the novel, The Sydney Morning Herald wrote: “In his search for a way to honour his grandfather’s story, and the stories of others, Dao’s elegiac debut took 12 years to complete. He finally chose to write the book as autofiction, and it is through this form – suspended between fiction and autobiography – that he creates a sprawling work that untangles the endlessly knotted problems of memory, inheritance and home.” We have the same literary agent … a good omen I hope, perhaps?)
Watching
THELMA: Saw this at the Sydney Film Festival earlier this year … it’s very endearing, quite hilarious and in Australian cinemas now. Empire magazine describes it as an “indie comedy/road movie/nonagenarian revenge story”. Actor June Squibb plays Thelma, a feisty 93-year-old who falls for a phone scam (you know the sort … my mother has had the messages … eg, “hi Mum, I’ve lost my phone and am in a bit of bother, texting from a friend’s phone … can you transfer some money” … etc). After the scam, Thelma’s loving family think it might be time she went into care; Thelma is more concerned about getting her money back. Includes a high-speed mobility scooter action sequence, an adoring grandson and an excellent dénouement. Writer-director Josh Margolin was inspired by his own grandmother, with whom he has a super-close relationship and who nearly sent scammers money thinking he needed bail. Interesting Q&A with Margolin here.
ANGRY MEN: “Looking back I was just angry all the time, I had no patience. And I wasn’t happy. Yelling, shouting but also the silent treatment, not realising that that was … abuse. And intimidation was a big one as well. I’m disgusted that I was doing those behaviours,” says Todd. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. The Federal Government is funding men’s behaviour change groups – intervention programs that seek to stop men being violent and aggressive towards their partners. ABC 7.30 meets the men in one such group. Story here. If you need help, call 1800RESPECT.
Beautiful thing
If you’re swimming or surfing in Sydney or anywhere on the New South Wales or southern Queensland coastline and you see one of these sharks you are fortunate indeed.
Food Sludge
SLUDGE: A triumphant week in my kitchen during which I cooked nothing of note, made a great deal of cheese on toast, ruined a saucepan and wasted a pile of chickpeas I was cooking for hummus. The worms in my compost bin, I hope, are happy because I’m not. I’m pissed off. I’ll try it all again this weekend if I can summon the enthusiasm … and try to remind myself not to take my eye off the stove and bury myself in a screen. (I use an excellent Greg Malouf recipe for hummus in which the chickpeas are soaked overnight with bicarb then rinsed for five minutes under running water … I’ve mentioned it here before but will reprise it soon; it’s so worthwhile.)
JAMMY EGGS: Oh, I did have some success with jammy eggs this week; I might never return to my old technique. Old: starting egg/s in cold water and bringing to the boil, then simmering for 3-6 minutes, halting cooking under running water, but … always ended up with a messy peel, egg shell everywhere. New: gently lowering eggs into boiling water … seven minutes simmering, three minutes in an ice bath, shell comes off almost in one piece.
MORE EGGS: On the subject of eggs, there’s endless improvisational potential in this idea.
Private conversations
(Between me and a mate)
Socials
(via Instagram; and the artist Mark Ulriksen explains his cover art here … “I know so many single women who favour felines, including our eldest daughter … And yet they all persist in being happy. Go figure.”)
(via Instagram; Time magazine story here.)
(A brown bear in Alaska’s Katmai National Park … “Our group of eight sat quietly on the riverbank as the bear passed by. While the moment may look intense, the bear was simply looking for salmon in the river upstream – and it was completely at peace with our presence.” Via Instagram.)
Stolen words
“The best writing advice I can give you is to stop NOT writing. It will break your heart to wake up one day and to never have written the stories and memories inside you. Make a scribbly list of ideas, memories, locations, etc you want to get down on paper. Pick one, plunge in, tell it, badly. Tell it to me. Then? Pick another one. Write it, badly. Victory!”–Anne Lamott, via Instagram Threads
Befriend the holes, sisters! They are like wrinkles; we earn them by living. And from cats. Sometimes I thread flowers into them. (The clothes, not the cats.) Where skin covering is needful, scarves and other accessories go a long way, or a slinky negligee. And I agree wholeheartedly with the comments here about comfy underwear or house pants. Does anyone here share my habit of wearing out bottoms before the tops of pyjamas? Recently I realised I'd accumulated several top halves of pjs, where the lower halves had long since been shredded for rags. I'll do anything to avoid shopping for clothes. What I detest most are the mirrors. If it's true that these were designed to manipulate low self-esteem into more purchasing, well, it had the reverse effect on me. I'd rather hang out in a bookshop. Speaking of which, a certain book is waiting for me to collect by a certain writer called Stephanie Wood, at one of our local stores. Yay!
Owner of many holy garments here (as in full of holes, not beatific)! I had one pair of leggings, now finally binned, that, whenever I wore them, my partner would say, "Five keys." (In joke which you might get if you remember Harvey Keitel and Holly Hunter in The Piano.)
Glad you're persisting with cryptic crosswords!